Introspection
by tchrof6th
Summary: Rick Castle was missing for two months…now his past is about to come to terms with his present and his future about to be dashed on the rocks like a helpless wave driven by what it can't control. Time is running out and facing it is all he has left.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- Rick Castle leaves the precinct to become a private eye

The shadows eased down into the car as it sped to the loft with Kate Beckett and Richard Castle in the back. The hum of the engine keeping time with the whir of the wheels in motion stayed in time the mood of the evening, and there was Kate smiling that smile like a woman who has just had the best time enjoying the company of good friends, her co-workers, and her man, yes, she thought as she reached down and took his hand in hers on that back seat, her man. She slowly lifted her eyes up from their intertwined hands expecting to see his warm face and those incredibly blue eyes smiling back at her but what she saw was a man who was lost in thought,

"Hey you", she questioned, "Where did you go off to?"

Castle slowly swung his head from the window from the shadows that had engrossed his thinking patterns and realized she was talking to him. God, she was beautiful. Her long brown hair twirling in front of her face and those sparkling hazel eyes, but her body, her body was his, and their love bought out of friendship made his heart glow. It was that friendship that had him thinking, this is not right, I should tell her, but he was afraid, afraid she would want to turn the car around and go back to help some heads role. If she could she would, but frankly this was out of her control totally and he wasn't as worried that she would blow up the precinct, figuratively, with threats of not staying as well. She could quit her job, she knew that, but she would and he wouldn't want her to, her job kept her connected to the satisfaction she got from helping her victims. Kate Beckett was one of the top rated case closing head detectives on the force in the NYPD and she was darn good at her job. No, she was fantastic and her bosses knew it but on the other hand these were the same bosses that had been around for her breaking of the law on so many levels when Bracken, so when he had been arrested they gave her the job she loved as a way to keep her at arm's length.

The car turned an abrupt corner and the driver mumbled something to the effect of "sorry" and Kate rolled closer to his shoulder. He sucked in a breath and drove right in,

"Captain Gates said I am requested not to come back to the 12th", he waited for the explosion.

"What? Why?" she responded

"She said that I broke too many lines when it came to my involvement with Dino, and that Detective Mc Bride was hit on his way to booking, he's dead and because I conferred with organized crime and that same organization more than likely killed Mc Bride, I am no longer allowed to work with you at the precinct" he hung his head in sorrow and waited for her response,

"Oh," he was surprised by her reaction and frankly did not understand why she was not immediately on the phone to Captain Gates.

"So, I guess no more riding along and wearing my special vest, I just don't understand it, what did I do that was so terrible that it could mean kicking me off, I mean…"

"Castle, remember, you were there solely because of the Mayor, a few pulling of strings, good publicity for the police department, and that Captain Gates was finally fond of you, "

"Yeah, but I also helped solve a lot of cases and,"

"Yes, but this time you went over the line and remember not all of our higher ups have been happy with you, or me for that matter, not since Bracken, "

"But we managed to keep a really vile and murderous person from going to the office of the President; you would think that means something,"

"Rick, look, take this time, we are heading into the holidays and things are going to get slow when it comes to deaths, it always does this time of year, nobody is willing to commit murder when everyone is all love thy neighbor, and all, so we take this time to figure out what to do, how to get you back in", she smiled and gave him a sweet peck on his cheek.

"You're not going to fight this, I mean I would have thought you would have gone all Defcon 5 on Gates and those higher up fools, I thought you would have wanted to keep me working with you forever, I guess I thought,"

"Rick, seriously, do you really think I don't enjoy having you around, bugging me to death every five seconds, "she smiled in that teasing Cheshire grin she loves to give him when she's kidding, "You crossed the line, let's see if we can get you to cross back over, I think we should just lay low and try to solve this one piece at a time."

"Okay, but I am NOT happy about this and I really think that…" he felt her hand slowly start caressing his thigh and his mind suddenly got caught up somewhere else, "Driver, home as fast as you can!"

"See, I knew I could get you to see reason", she giggled.

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The darkness shrouded the room as the small warm glow of the nightlight in the bathroom traced the walls and down to the carpet. Castle lay in bed caressing the arm of his sleeping wife over and over thinking of what had just happened. Kate was calm and yet again reassured him over wine that he was undoubtedly going to be back as soon as they could find a way, but still to him this was very serious, it meant no rising with her in the middle of the night to chase down a killer, no riding in the car building theory, or standing at a murder board, pictures haunting them and their coffee, trying to figure out the clues that the dead left behind. No, to him this was serious and although she seemed nonchalant about it now, it would wear thin when she got stumped, or wanted him there to bounce ideas off of, and just to be there with coffee. He had to figure out a way, a way to be there but not be there, but how, he was not a detective, he was not a cop or even wanting to be a cop, he was a writer, how could he be of any use other than shadowing, how could he worm his way back into their good graces without having to take courses and do beat work first? Then it struck him, Private Investigators, they held some clout, he remembered her old friend, well boyfriend, Royce, he could do that, go after killers and people avoiding the police, and PIs were allowed access to police departments and often helped local police find criminals who they had thought long escaped prosecution and jail time.

The more he thought about it, he liked it, Sherlock Castle, Private Dick, then he giggled and Kate squirmed under his strong armed hug, her hair now floating down across it, tickling the hairs on his arm, time to move even if it meant possibly waking her. He slowly tried to move his arm and she rolled over out of habit, she snuggled down into the covers even more and slid her left hand under the pillow while shifting her body to her left side, success, she didn't even wake up.

As he got up he slid his slippers on and padded across the floor. He reached for his robe on the closet door's back hook and slid it over his muscular frame. His feet made a scuffling sound as he hit the wood floor and headed to the chair at his desk. The computer slowly opened and the alabaster light flowed into the den like a soft glow of promise, he had felt this promise before when waking up to write at times when his mind raced with thoughts even though his body wanted sleep. This was important and it had to be done now, as soon as possible so that he would not spend the whole holiday away from the precinct he considered home.

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When Kate awoke to the buzzing of her phone it was 5:14 AM, she blinked several times to get the sleep to dissipate and answered,

"Beckett" she answered softly, "Yeah, okay, I'll be there soon"

She rolled over and caught a glimpse of Castle, sprawled out like a two year old with one leg off the bed jutting out of the covers, even though she was sure it was cold outside their loft was always cozy warm, their loft, she smiled. She slowly slid her body out from under the covers, no use waking him, he would just be mad, and then sullen because he couldn't go, she walked over the bathroom and quietly closed the door, oh yes, she would figure out a way because she needed him, he needed her, New York needed them both.

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It felt strange, the ride over to the scene, Kate did all of her usual preliminary scouting of the area, lower east side, industrial, three blocks away from the East river, the kind of area where not to many night strolls were made. Some working factories and some abandoned dotted the streets with chain linked fences that kept people out and in at the same time. It reminded her of the fire that Espo and Ryan almost lost their life in and she shuddered against the cold, thank you God for their lives being spared. She approached the body which apparently was hanging from the side of a garbage truck, the feet caught in the rungs that lift the can straight up to the back of the truck and dangling down backwards in motion as if someone wanted to string him up on display, his clothes were tattered and his flesh was torn depicting that he was tortured by his attacker, and just when she was going to get a good look at the face of the victim, there was a tap on her shoulder,

"Beckett, where's Castle?" It was the familiar voice of one of her best detectives, Havier Esposito, and the look on his face mirrored her exact feelings, he was looking for the one person who had barely left her side since he was back from his missing two months journey to God knows where,

"Why Epso, you miss having your little bro-mance experience with a little murder mixed in?" Beckett teased,

"No, I just wanted to…" and with that Detective Ryan slid up beside them and began his rambling,

"The driver of the truck said he was there when he came to pick up the truck, for his daily rounds, he's an independent commissioned driver that picks up waste here on the island in the south east, his truck was brought here yesterday by himself about 5 PM and locked up the whole night" Kate glanced at the driver who was visibly shaken and scared.

"Hey" Ryan asked as well, "Where's Castle?"

"What is this, locate Castle day, we have a murder, let's focus shall we?" Kate responded.

The gentleman received her drift that asking about Castle was on the table for now, so Kate quietly walked over to Lanie to see what the Medical examiner had to report.

"What have you got Lanie?" She interjected into Lanie's truly involved examination.

"We have a man who has two bullet holes, one in the back near the left clavicle, and the other on the front right near the sternum, he has been severely beaten with what looks like a whip with some other piece of instrument possible shards of glass or metal embedded",

"Like a cat of nine tails?" Kate interjected again,

"Possibly, but I won't know for sure until I…"

"Get it into your lab, ok please give me a full report, can you at least give us a window of time?"

"Luvidity seems to point to sometime around 3 AM to 5 AM," Lanie responded back. "I can also tell you that he didn't just die from the bullet wounds, he was purposefully tortured."

"Kate, come look at this, we looked into this guy's wallet which we found over to the left of the truck, and while we cannot identify the face, we have heard of this guy before, "Esposito interrupted,

"Who is it?" Kate looked over at her friend,

"It's Henry Jenkins", and with that Kate sucked in a deep breath of disbelief.


	2. Chapter 2

A flurry of activity was going on in the 12th after Detective Beckett briefed her team; she wanted everything from financial reports to an every minute account of Jenkins whereabouts from two weeks out up until his death. While Ryan focused on the video streamed footage of the area around the warehouse, Esposito focused on the financials of a credit card that was in the wallet. The one thing that perplexed Beckett was the finding of that wallet, and if they were "meant" to find that wallet. Had someone truly wanted to kill Jenkins and then have her precinct find this? Why now? She looked at the empty coffee cup, man she really wanted a cup of coffee right now, but Castle wasn't here, the proof being the empty cup itself. She looked a minute at her cup, Castle always kept her cup filled, and not just filled but always demonstrated his prowess at the ability to draw stuff in the foam on top, much to the boys complaint. They always carried on about how they never rated getting coffee delivered to their desk, or drawings in their foam. Oh, Castle, she thought, why are you always willing to lunge straight into something that could have severe repercussions down the line, but that is what she loved about him most, his determination even when it meant not giving up on her or anything in his way.

She got up and slowly made her way to the machine, stopping to check in to see if Ryan or Espo wanted a cup as well, then she entered the break room ready to face that Castle brought much more than coffee, his presence was missed while solving this case. She thought she might call him and tell him about Jenkins, but she thought it might be better to not tell him rather than risk him coming down to the station and causing a scene, which at this time Beckett didn't want or need.

As she walked out of the break room, with no pretty crème filled picture on her Latte, Ryan got her attention,

"Beckett, I think I got something!" Ryan bellowed

"What is it Ryan?" Beckett inquired, walking over to his desk; she set down his coffee and listened,

"Well, I scoured the tape from the area and not much popped up as most of the cameras were disabled but one camera which was a block away, they missed,"

Or wanted us to think they missed, Beckett thought

"It shows a white box van with a license plate from New Jersey, I'm having Turner run it now, so we should be able to locate the vehicle that dropped Jenkins off at the warehouse."

"Did you look to see if there is indication of who the driver is?" Beckett asked

"The pixels were not in our favor but the funny thing is that they seemed to slow up long enough for the camera to catch the plate and then sped up, very unusual, do you think they may have "wanted" us to know they were there, or involved?" Kevin's look of concern touched Kate, ever since the involvement of Ryan and Javier in the Tyson case they were more cognoscente of people wanting to be found, wanting to be seen, having an ulterior motive for what they did, but Beckett didn't like this, didn't want it voiced because of what it might mean. But how? How could it have been connected to Castle's disappearance, it just didn't jive.

"Okay, let's not go down that trail because we really can't go by conjecture, run it again and again, see if you can't get more information, and please don't alert the rest because I don't want to go down that path unless I have to," Beckett requested,

"Sure thing Beckett"

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Later in the afternoon, when the sun was hanging low in the sky, Captain Gates called Kate into her office and shut the door behind her,

"Detective Beckett, I have yet to address a certain issue, with Castle,"

"Before you begin Sir, let me just state that I have no doubt that you had no choice in that matter and you really don't have to explain,"

"Kate, as a boss and a friend, I hope, I just want to say that if there was any way, you know,"

"I know Sir, yes, I do consider you a friend as well, and I really feel that although you don't share a strong liking for Castle, you do admit that he is a very valuable asset to the department and" Kate had to convince the Captain not to try to bring him back to the precinct,

"Yes, I'm so glad you understand, so glad we had this talk." Gates let out a big sigh, feeling this was easier than she thought, she was in for a fight or at least some negative air between the two of them, and so out of relief she smile as she dismissed her.

Beckett left the Captain's office overwhelmed with how that turned out. While on the one hand the Captain was very strict about matters of the precinct, she did care, and knew that she would expect her to be mad about it, so when Becket let out a little smile, it was Esposito who noticed,

"So, you and the Captain on good terms again? No fighting for our man Castle?" He smiled,

Kate's demeanor instantly changed, "Back to work, no need to bring Castle back until we know what we are dealing with here, understand?"

"Like totally," Esposito countered, "But how long will Castle wait, and how are you going to dodge talking to him about this when you are married to him?"

How indeed, Kate thought, this was going to be a very sticky situation.

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Rick Castle was not a stupid man and when he set his mind to doing something it usually went his way, that is why when the application for a Private Investigator's license needed the specific information and accreditation on his end, he could definitely provide it. One online course and the recommendation from Kate, back ground check, and he would be free and clear, of course she would do it, why not?

"I can't believe you would want to be a Private Investigator, you do know they don't make very much money and you have to actually solve the case or provide information to get paid, and" Kate was not happy, oh she knew that he couldn't be serious about this, give up writing to be PI and work all the different hours and stake outs, sure she knew he could but what did that mean for them, this really blind-sided her, his ambitions were never centered around her job or being in some form of police capacity but as an author, had he really strayed that far from his desire to write for others and the joy he got from that,

"I can't believe you are saying this, I thought you would be happy, the opportunity to work along with you again, maybe not in the same way we did before, and I could still write the books, my Derek Storm novels are taking off, oh and I could still roll out new Nikki Heat books when we get chances to work," what was he saying, he knew it would be a little difficult to juggle both, together, "ohhhh, I get it now, you don't think I can do this without you, you think that this is something that is just a whim, a fancy," he really couldn't believe it, she wasn't in support of this, she gave him all of these reasons but not once was she giving him credit, the credit for helping her with all of those cases he had at the precinct, what was really going here?

"Rick, it's not that I don't believe that you can do it, it's just," Kate was losing her grip, how did she tell him without telling him that they had just found the man that had met with him in Montreal, that something was not right about this case, that she was scared to death that she would lose him, just like, Royce,

"Kate, what is it?" Rick could definitely tell that she was going to lose control, this was something more than just him getting his PI license this was a fear, a fear that goes back to something she hadn't come to grips with, "It's Royce, isn't it?"

And with that Kate stood stock still, she lowered her head and began a soft cry, and then she looked up she softly said, "Yes, Rick, Royce worked himself into a situation he couldn't get out of, that got him killed, when we build theory and solve cases you are right by my side, you won't be by my side all the time as a PI and," She started to really cry now and Castle moved over to her, wrapping his strong arms around her and caressing her hair,

"It's okay Kate, I know, it must be hard knowing how dangerous it can be but I will be very careful and if I get into a situation that I cannot handle myself, well, I guess I can call my back-up, right?"

She broke away to look up at him, how did she fall so hopelessly in love with this man before her, yes, she knew he could handle himself, that he would be careful, all of her years with him had one up side, it taught him the right and wrong ways to go about getting information, and he was even getting much better than her with a gun, he wasn't a stupid man, child like sometimes but never stupid, she kissed him long and slow, savoring everything about him, loving him,

"Okay, Richard Castle, as your wife I will support you, and as your partner, I will back you up"

He smiled one of the biggest smiles she had ever seen other than their wedding day and she smiled back, it was hopeless, and he was so happy, besides it will take time for the online course and the license, hopefully.

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"It took you how long to wait for this license?" Martha looked astonished, holding the license in her hand,

"Only two weeks, mother, because when I want to do something I put my whole heart into it" Castle responded,

"And your check book as well," Alexis chimed in while believing in her dad having the ability to do this, she also wondered why it took so short of a time,

"Now, now, sweetheart, I only wrote one check and that was to the licensing bureau, my credit card sufficed for the rest," He quipped back,

"But I thought you needed a full background check, and," Kate stood astounded as her new found family crowded around the counter over their late night snack of ice cream,

"Well, that was the hardest hurdle to solve, but you know how fast my lawyer can process things, um like your divorce? Well he was able to take the combined records and background checks I had from my CIA shadowing and sort of "speed" them along" Castle spoke with an air of accomplishment in his voice and although Kate was happy to see him happy she was so hoping that this would take so much longer, with no new leads in the case she was at a standstill over the death of Jenkins.

"Well, congratulations Darling, you are now a what is it they call them "gum shoe", Martha retorted,

"Thank you mother, and Kate I thought you were on board with this?" Castle looked at Kate with his biggest puppy dog eyes,

"Oh no, I know this look and it signals our good bye, come on along gram, we need to exit stage left," Alexis, who was very wise for her years, knew that this signaled a good argument between Kate and her dad and it was best to make a very quick exit. As she got up from her stool she took Martha's left arm and pulled her towards the stairs,

"Oh yes, well very good Richard, I am very shocked and proud of you! Good night dears," As Martha and Alexis walked up the stairs Kate picked up their dishes and walked them over to the sink, she opened the dishwasher and rinsed them to deposit inside,

"You are on board with this aren't you Kate," Castle asked again, watching her every move, he could see she was upset but didn't quite understand why she would be, he thought this was settled,

"I'm not upset, just stunned that it took you two weeks, when it took forever for me to complete rounds of training and course work to become a police officer and I don't know, I guess it just hasn't soaked in yet," Kate wiped her hands on the dishtowel and started the dishwasher, she rounded the counter and gave him a quick smile, she knew that she needed to not press this or he would surely ask more questions about her concern, she couldn't let on that there was a real fear of him finding out about the one person who held the key to his two months of off the grid activity and that person was dead, so she did what many great wives have done throughout the ages, she changed the subject, "Come on Private Investigator Castle, let's investigate the bedroom."

With that last comment Richard Castle took the whole thing hook, line, and sinker, because after all, to him if his wife was pleased, he was please.

"Ohhhh, why Detective Beckett, can I get my magnifying glass, I might need to investigate you further," And with that the lights were out in the case of Beckett vs. Castle.


	3. Chapter 3

As the team jumped out of their car at East 13th street and Avenue E, the guys went ahead to suit up first, Beckett who was the driver, suited up after them. Each one had their routines and as they got ready acknowledged the silence between them only for a moment and then were positioned to go ahead with the plan. They skirted the warehouse down to the southeast van and were ready to draw when they hear a faint click behind them, when Beckett turned to see where the noise was coming from a distinct grimace was on her care worn face, Castle.

It was about 2 A.M. this morning when Ryan got the call at the 12th, a fellow officer at the 9th had recognized the white van that had been distributed by him and was calling to say they had placed it parked outside a warehouse on 13th East, so they suited up today to try to investigate what was up with it. They made all of the appropriate calls and got the area sectioned off to create a perimeter of safety while they stormed the building. At almost the same time the arrangements had been made Dr. Lanie Parrish was able to tell them something that was quite interesting about Mr. Jenkins body, going over the usual marks that the torturer had uses, random types and sizes of knives, marks from flammable rags, an accelerant type of material on the feet, and an object had been used to create puncture wounds along the inside of the arms, a pen. Beckett was astonished, a pen, who would use a pen to poke the inside delicate skin of the arms, who was this torturer?

The noise was there again, another click,

"Castle, what are you doing here?" Beckett hissed,

"I'm investigating a possible arson attempt on this building, the landlord feared that the occupants were going to try to burn it down to collect the insurance of their items inside, he found various accelerants and timers , and then he called me," Castle rebutted,

"How did you even get a case so fast with no advertising or being listed in the phonebook?" Esposito inquired,

"My mom's stage manager's brother's cousin owns the building," Castle spoke impressed by his quick use of explaining such a complex situation of events,

"It figures," was all Kevin could muster out,

"Okay, well, wait over there while we secure the building," Beckett scolded,

"Oh, like that will stop him," Esposito chimed in again,

"Very funny, Espo, a real riot you are," Castle retorted, "I will stay here because my wife told me to and besides I don't want to get in trouble with Gates should something go wrong,"

"Pansy writer-boy," Ryan chortled,

"Nice, could we get to the business at hand," Beckett scolded again,

All three scurried around the corner but Rick truly did what Kate would want him to do; besides he didn't have a death wish anymore. Just as soon as they went around the corner, Ryan came back motioning for Castle to come along. The building it seemed was abandoned and so the risks were low. Beckett was walking around inside when Castle entered the building; a small table and chair were set up in the middle of the open room which looked like it could house many thousands of boxes of merchandise but only had a few rag tag boxes lying around. One such box looked like it contained a bunch of rags used to clean and accelerants of all types were scattered about it. The smell of acrid burning of paper, rag, and flesh filled the room and way over in the other corner was a pen, a very nice pen that had silver plated coating and wood in the handle, embossed with an inscription, RAERC, and it looked familiar, so familiar that Beckett caught her breath,

"What is it Beckett?" Ryan was asking,

"Oh, um I think I found the torture item that they used on the inside of his arms, and of course there is the box of rags and the accelerant, Castle here is where your landlord got his theory from, and then you have the spatters of blood on the chair and the floor, our victim put up a very good fight," Kate couldn't stop looking at the pen but she must focus even though a million thoughts were swirling around in her brain, just then Castle peered over her shoulder to see what she had found, he didn't know who they were investigating but he did know his wife's reaction to something she was contemplating on,

"What is? How?" Castle stammered,

"Hey fellas, can you go get the CSU team in here but give me a few minutes, I need to talk to Castle" Kate sounded distant and not really up to wanting to take a next step,

"Ohhh, mom and dad are fighting Ryan, we better get out of here," Esposito chided,

"Can it Espo, and out!" Kate was not in any mood and where Esposito thought she was just joking it became clear she wasn't,

After the boys had left and Beckett was all alone with Castle, she began to explain to him what had happened, she had no choice now, it was fast becoming clear that he could not be left out of the loop any longer,

"And you have known how many days that this was Henry Jenkins, aka, the man who met with me in Europe, and knew about my disappearance and you didn't think it would have been good to" inform" me that he had been murdered!" Castle was beyond angry, this was very important, he knew that she knew he had wanted to solve the mystery of his two missing months, she didn't know about him seeing him in Montreal and their talk about Hollander woods but that was all something he needed to place in the back of his mind, he was married now, making a life like this man Jenkins had said to do, said that Castle had purposely wanted to do,

"Castle, we have to talk, I realize your mad about my not telling you but we had nothing to go on yet, I was going to tell you when the right time came along and then you became a PI and I thought to myself good, perhaps this won't need to be addressed as soon as I thought, but it seems now it must be and,

"You were going to wait, two months Kate, this man had information about two months that are MISSING from my life!" Castle's voice rose higher,

"We have a bigger problem," Kate spoke softly, and started to cry, her hands holding the pen, the pen that she remembered from another night and in a happier time, "this is your pen."

"Let me see that," he walked over to where Kate was standing and sure enough as he looked at the embossed wood he recognized a familiar initial set of letters, remembered a time long before this on his birthday when Kate had given him this pen and reminded him of the woman who had said, "You will meet and Alexander, and he will be very important to you, some day in the future he may even save your life," that was the day that she told Castle, and that was the day that Castle had revealed his full name, Richard Alexander Rodgers, which Kate took and put together with his changed name to imprint on the pen, RAERC for Richard Alexander Edgar Rodgers Castle. He had gotten such a kick out of the pen that he carried around that pen everywhere and then when he returned home he began carrying it all around, only the other day he had complained he couldn't find it. Why was it showing up here? Then Beckett knew she must ask,

"Richard Castle where were you two weeks ago on Thursday night the 3rd of December between 2 and 6 AM?"

"I was home with you, you know that, that was the night I decided to become a PI, I was researching, until," suddenly Castle's face dropped and he became scarily silent, he brought his downward facing expression up to meet Kate, where she then stared at him in grim silence herself,

"What Castle what is it?" She almost inaudibly spoke,

"I took a walk." And with that statement both knew what had to be done. It was time to face and find out once and for all what had happened when Castle had gone missing for two months.

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Kate sat at her desk, her head in her hands, how could she be back at this feeling again, how in the world could she have just let those two months slide, she wants to believe him, she wants so hard to understand, she looks over the forensics report from Lanie, no fingerprints on the pen, no surprise but the fact that Castle misplaced his pen and has no alibi for the time of death of Henry Jenkins,

Meanwhile, Castle was at home trying to come to terms with what was happening, someone, who ever took him in May was screwing with his head and he had really had it, he needed to take care of this now, had to come up with a way to find out what had happened, he remembered that night, the blood, the sad sense that he had done something wrong and when they came to clean it up, to erase what had transpired in that wooded land of Hollander's woods, he knew that his brain was shutting it out, he still remembers the man, he was young, a very strong set of dark eyes and a steady hand, he guided Castle's crying eleven year old self away from something very horrible but he just couldn't remember what it was, why couldn't he remember, when he had met up with Jenkins in Montreal he was upset and searching for answers but that mention of Hollander's woods made him shudder in his tracks, it brought such dread in his heart and he didn't even know why, Beckett said go home, just go home and we would sort it out, but why does he feel like she's losing her grip on this, and does he blame her, this looks bad, very bad, and he even doubts himself, he has to provide an answer now, so he picks up the phone and dials the one man he swore he would never contact again.

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The dark street and the steam coming from the subway system only enhanced the spookiness of the meeting between him and Agent Carter. Having to call him was the last thing he wanted to do but after his experience with Beckett and the pen, he could not go another minute without answers. Why did he do all those things to forget, why did he set up camp in a tent in an area close to a flood plain? Where did he get and when did he get the money to rent the SUV? Also, would Carter even tell him anything he wanted to know? Just that moment he heard the sound of scuffing feet on the sidewalk, a sound all too familiar because Carter had a limp, a wound he had suffered in the line of duty in the Vietnam War, one that would leave his left leg shorter than his right. Carter had an air about him, dismissive one minute, hard hearted the next, and he had definitely seen some bad things in Nam and was not about to listen to some sniveling highly flamboyant playboy writer whine about what had happened when he was eleven year old.

"Mr. Castle, why are we meeting?" Carter's voice was hoarse, no doubt too much smoking in the past but it was definitely disturbing when you were on his "wrong" side,

"I, I need to ask a few questions," Castle countered, his voice sounding not far off from the young boy who so long ago did something that was so terrible he has wiped it from his memory.

"Make them quick and make them few Mr. Castle, I was done with this September and you should be home living your life."


	4. Chapter 4

The mist was light and the moon was high on this cold December night at the end of this tumultuous year but Castle was ready for answers so he pressed Carter further,

"I want to know who took me, what was I forced to not remember and what was I given to forget?" His voice wavered because part of him was waiting for Carter to walk away, as he had done in the past, unwilling to answer anything about his situation or why it was necessary to save him that fated night, but in one sideways glance, Castle thinks he sees a glimmer of concern or maybe sympathy over what Castle is going through but just as easily as it appears it is gone and the disconcerting, you mean nothing to me look takes over, as if to hide emotion because it is feared as weakness,

"The drug was a derivative of the Borrachero tree and when consumed it will make a person incapable of continuing in their own free will and turn them into a mindless Zombie, "Carter explained to Castle with no show of emotion, "and once we had full control over you then we were able to make you do what we needed to do, as Castle listened to Carter further his mind was taken to a past memory,

_He was on the phone talking to Beckett, he was happy, thrilled that at this time he was going to finally get the happy ending, he was going to marry the one woman who was truly his equal, his partner in life and in crime, he was lost in thought after saying goodbye, ten minutes and he's be there, they could have the wedding, and, just as he looked in the mirror that Black SUV was there, it was driving up to his back bumper, hey, slow-down buddy, hey, he was passing him and then pulling alongside him, and son of a, he was crowding him off the road and, NO…_

_When he gained consciousness he was dizzy, and he couldn't see, he smelled gas, and water, and someone was pulling him out, and water in his mouth, a water bottle, and… _

Blank, everything was blank until he woke up in the hospital bed, and he could only remember seeing her face and the confusion, and she seemed mad, not right, things were not right,

"Why, why take two months, MY wedding day, and two months of my life gone, WHY? I deserve to know WHY!" Castle's voice shook with anger, he demanded to know and Carter stood stock still, he knew Carter was the one to contact because he found a card, a card with his name and number in his desk drawer, a name and number he didn't recognize and four words were on the back, call me to remember,

"You don't want to know, to remember, that was your choice, your choice is being honored here, you're the one who made the rules, you wanted this," Carter expounded,

"How, how could I want this?" Castle asked in disbelief,

"Ask, your Mother, ask your Father, these are not my questions, I am just the person who fulfills the order, and frankly, you Mr. Castle have been given all of the necessary things to move on, you are the one who is selfish, you need to go home," and with this last statement Mr. Carter's voice grew very gruff and unfeeling, "Go home Rick, to your penthouse, your life, your parties."

"But, I need more, the man I spoke to in Montreal, he's dead and," Castle felt horrible, what kind of a person was he? Carter portrays him as a selfish man who is not willing to accept what others are doing for him, and that is not him, he is not that man, what is this about, what is going on, he had more questions than before and he was responsible for a man's death,

"Jenkins is dead because he wanted to stray from the plan, that is all you need to know, now go,"

"But, who killed him, my wife will not stop, she will continue to investigate and she is back to not believing me again, she won't stop,"

"She better, or she will open something she will never forgive you for, find out how truly selfish a man Richard Castle is, how he is not who she thought he was, go home, and make her turn away from this, bury it as best you can Rick, because if you don't then I won't be there to take the memories away, I won't be able to "fix" things,"

"One last question," Castle pleaded,

"No, I'm done." And with that Agent Carter turned walked into the low lying mist and down the street a small shadow taking away the only thing that could never be answered, what did Castle do that needed to be forgotten, and how was he not the man he thought he was, or is he?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~R&K~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Castle entered the loft the lights were low and by the looks of things he had been forgotten for the evening, he walked over to the table and dropped his keys slowly slid his coat off of his frame and placed it folded over the chair, normally he would have hung it up because he would have heard his mother's voice from the peripheral of his hearing, "Richard Rogers, you better hang that coat up this instant!" but he didn't because tonight his mother was at a last call of the musical that she had tried out for, she had secured the part, which had made everyone ecstatic and gave her a renewed sense of drive in her life after her acting school had been going slower than normal due to funding cuts and the lack of people willing to not pursue a career in the arts. When Martha Rogers could be up on stage she was at the pinnacle of herself worth, it gave her every sense of purpose it gave any person who wants be adored and admired.

He shuffles into the office and picks up his mail which he hasn't opened in over two days and just as he is ready to open it a light clicks on in the bedroom,

"Hey there, where have you been?" He faintly hears Kate's voice,

"I was trying to seek answers, I," Castle trying to explain himself without giving too much away,

"We need to talk Rick, we really need to talk, this isn't good, I'm," Kate's voice is frail and nervous, much like her voice when he awoke in that hospital room late last summer,

"Kate, there is not much to say, I,"

"Rick, it was your pen, it was the pen that I gave you as a gift, after," She meekly answers back,

"I know! Don't you think I KNOW that," Castle's voice escalates and he is NOT sure what to say, does he tell her, make her understand that this is only about him, selfish Rick, the man who can't leave well enough alone, but how, how did they get his pen, how, Carter? No not him, why what purpose, he didn't sound like he was involved in Carter's death, and,

"Well," Kate's voice started turning cold and impatient, "We NEED to know Rick, because right now, I am NOT your wife, I have to ask as a cop, and the ONLY thing that keeps me from not hauling your ass down to booking is the fact that we are man and wife, so Rick instead of us pulling apart, I suggest we pull together, don't shut me out now, I am right here, I have been right here," Her voice went soft and she motioned for him to join her on the bed.

He quietly walks into the room and begins to unbutton his shirt, she has been there, all too often and she has seen the side of Rick Castle that is selfish and she has dealt with that, she is the one who got him to understand who he truly was, a good, decent man, and she was the one anchor he needed right now, she could help him sort it out, but he must also tell her to stay away from solving this, just like Smith and her mother's murder or they will retaliate and this time it could be worse because at least with Bracken he knew and she knew who the players were, they knew who they were dealing with,

"Okay, but don't be mad, because what I am going to tell you will very well make you want to have second thoughts about marrying a man with so much in his life you didn't bargain for," He picked up her long thin fingers and rotated the band on her left ring finger. She didn't wear her engagement ring to the office much or even out in public, it was a very big diamond and she was a high profile person, she wore it on special occasions like gala parties Rick was invited to, or out to dinner with her husband just because, her wedding ring she wore all the time, and even invited the ability to show unwanted advancements from men, the back-off signal.

"You see that ring, it means 'til death do us part, it means I am not going anywhere, so spill," She looked into his eyes, those azure blue eyes so lost in pain and thought,

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you,"

And so Rick told her everything, all except the part about his mother and father, because frankly, he didn't know what Carter meant by it, so that was still a mystery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~R&K~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once Kate had gotten to work she knew what kind of day this would be, first she was unable to get over the conversation her husband had shared with her and then secondly, she couldn't move forward because the trail had run cold purposely and Castle's pen was still evidence that no one knew existed. She tried to stretch her neck and crack it a few times but after what had transpired in bad last night after their conversation was love and total commitment to the one man who she would always lay side by side with,

"Yo, Beckett, did you uncover that trace on the phone call that we received about the van rental?" Esposito's voice shook her back to reality,

"No, not yet, were you able to get anything from Lanie yet on what type of pen made those puncture wounds and what was used to cut the skin?" Beckett called back,

"No, nothing, she hasn't filed her preliminary findings and Ryan is out canvassing that areas businesses trying to see if anyone saw or heard anything."

"Good, so far so," Just then the phone rang and Beckett answered it, "Beckett, oh hi Lanie, yes, I have been waiting, ok be right down." Kate put down the phone's receiver and looked over at Espo,

"Lanie is done, do you want to head on down with me to the morgue?" Kate was almost certain that Esposito was more than willing to see his leading lady and be able to get away from the office,

"Nah, I need to wait to see what Ryan has if that's ok?" He countered

"Yeah, um sure," Wow, that was unexpected, first on her agenda will be to ask Lanie what that was all about, then ask why? Beckett shook her head and entered the elevator, she hadn't much time for her friend, she hoped everything was okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~R&K~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Lanie was hunched over the microscope when Kate entered the lab, she had on her I mean business look as she scored the fine tissue from the inside of Jenkins left forearm. She glanced up and saw her friend, then she went back to what was under the scope,

"Hey darlin', How are you today? Hold on let me look at these pieces of tissue; just have a seat over there for a minute." Lanie gestured to the lab stool that was taller in length, the one that Kate always sat in because it was adjusted to her height of 5"9", and because it was a rolling chair and Lanie knew inside Beckett was a kid that liked rolling chairs, thus she had one at her desk.

Kate decided to break the air of thought first, "So, I asked a certain detective whether he would like to join me to come down to see you and he kind of blew my offer out the window, would you care to explain why?" Kate inquired and it was a good thing that she was Lanie's best friend because the look that transpired after her question would have shot daggers to the very heart of any other person,

"Havier has his own life, and he can make his own choices, after the dinner with my mom and dad we kind of decided to cool it down a little, neither one of us is ready to be a Mr. and Mrs. like other couples," Lanie responded, and got up to move over to another table to pick up the next sample,

"Well, inquiring minds just are wondering why not, you both have been doing this dance for awhile just like we did and your sure it isn't meant to move forward?" Kate dug even further,

"What are we, garden plants?" Lanie retorted, " Havier and I are not like you guys, we aren't ready for the thing that brings two people made for each other together, we aren't even sure we are like you guys, sometimes your knight in shining armor isn't who you are with at the time, it's complicated,"

"I said that once, just be sure, you don't want to avoid and then lose him to insecurities," Kate was trying so hard to get her to see reason, she felt they were very right for each other, hot and spicey, full of love and generosity to others, she felt,

"I'm not you and you're not me, now let's get to talking about the victim, shall we?" She gave Kate a snarky look that let Kate know that this conversation was over with and they moved on to the matter at hand.


End file.
